Sex Article

Four Ways Hell Slay Your Sex Drive

2009-04-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

When you first met your guy, his carnal charisma probably had you breathless and purring for more. Yet, here you are, months or years down the road, and his bedroom antics don't quite get the rise out of you they used to. Though studies show the overwhelming majority of women prefer cuddling and romantic walks to making love, this lack of sexual interest can harm your relationship. "The only way to overcome the monotony that almost inevitably develops in a relationship is by ensuring that your relationship is as sexually exciting as it can possibly be," says Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex. "Studies show that when a couple's sex life becomes inviting, exciting, and pleasurable, most of [a relationship's] peripheral problems subside."
However, having an explosive sex life isn't as easy as we want it to be. You may find that after time, your libido decreases dramatically, almost mysteriously-you no longer look forward to sex. Many psychologists and MD's cite psychological or physiological problems as chief libido killers, yet there are many ways your guy can become the culprit stifling your desire. So, how can you revive your sagging sex drive? Use Couple-Me.com's rev tactics to recognize his foreplay faux pas and remedy them for good.
Libido Killer #1: He thinks he's got you figured out.
As far as he's concerned, he knows you inside and out. He no longer sees you as a mystery he wants to unravel. Though he enjoys the comfort of your familiarity, he begins to take it for granted-he is quick and to the point in bed, and makes no effort to seduce you. In conversation, he is content with idle chatter about money, work, and where to go to dinner. He no longer probes you with questions about your aspirations, fears, fantasies, or childhood memories.
Why you should take action: "Relationships die when two people no longer make each other's skin tingle because they've settled into a routine," Boteach warns. When two people are strangers, when each is a mystery to the other, they are careful to keep each other happy, aroused, and excited. In fact, at Couple-Me.com, we've realized that the couples who eventually marry are those who actively maintain the activities and interests they pursued upon first meeting each other.
Therefore, your guy's mistaken notion that he's got you figured out can cause stagnation and boredom in your relationship, and kill your libido, because he's no longer trying to win you over or learn more about you. If your guy no longer attempts to strip your emotional layers, you may lose interest in stripping his physical layers.
How to revive your sex drive: Remind your guy that you are an eternal mystery. Consistently engage him in conversation that leads each of you to a deeper understanding of each other. Try posing erotic "what if" scenarios or play sensual, slightly naughty games like strip quarters (when one of you can bounce a quarter into the cup, the other has to strip a piece of clothing).
Also be careful to break routine now and then. "Consider what you did together and what you talked about during the first three months of your relationship that made you fall in love with each other," says Kim Eykelboom, founder of www.Couple-Me.com. "Bring those elements back into your relationship." Eykelboom also recommends occasional role reversal. If your guy feels he knows you well, surprise him. If you are normally sexy and secure, act shy and reserved once in a while. If he is always the one to take sexual initiative, surprise him with your own slightly aggressive moves. You'll be surprised how lavishing him with erotic attention and shaking up your routine can ignite your libido.
Libido Killer #2: He confuses romancing you with seducing you.
He lavishes you with roses, romances you with poetry, and graciously attends to your every need. Because of his gentle nature, he is crushed by your sexual disinterest because he feels he's done everything to ensure your love and desire. But he confuses romancing you with seducing you. He has forgotten how to captivate your senses with scented candles, sensual fruits, and hot oils. He no longer whispers naughty "I'm going to's" in your ear, and he forsakes the gallant knight in him for the poetic troubadour.
Why you should take action: "Men can often fall into a 'nice guy' syndrome. They think romance is enough, but women need more than romance-they need the romantic seducer," says Eykelboom. Romance is important, but it creates fuzzy, oh-how-sweet feelings, rather than the intense, I-have-to-have-you-this-very-moment feelings. Having a romantic boyfriend who is no longer passionate or seductive, can lead you to believe your lacking interest in sex is your fault. You may believe that your relationship is doomed, because he appears to be the perfect boyfriend, yet you're uninterested. Rather than constructively improving the relationship, you result to blaming yourself or feeling guilty.
How to revive your sex drive: If his saccharine nature turns you off, you need to evaluate your desires to determine what, in addition to the roses and cards, you truly want in a lover. Take stock of your various fantasies and discern the common theme that shows up again and again. If you often fantasize about a man making love to you in an off-beat location, perhaps you'd like your guy to surprise you once in a while, rather than always initiating sex in the bedroom. Once you realize your passion primer, reveal it in a sexy note or write it on the steamy mirror of his bathroom for him to find next time he takes a shower. Keep dropping little hints until he gets a clue. Keeping it subtle means you'll never quite know when he'll catch on. One day, he'll just pounce!
Libido Killer #3: He treats you like one of the guys.
His immaculate appearance and gentlemanly manners have vanished. He dresses for you the way he'd dress for a kick-back day with his buddies. He may even go so far as to constantly tease you, calling you playful but annoying names, and routinely rough housing with you. In bed, he may become competitive, with a 'going for the gold' mindset that concentrates more on his performance than your pleasure.
Why you should take action: Though you want your guy to be playful with you, you don't want your only interaction to be 'buddy talk' and tumble sessions reminiscent of a wrestling match on Smack Down. He likely doesn't realize what he's doing and he's simply resorting to interactions that are most comfortable and familiar for him. However, his constant teasing and possible competitiveness will make you feel more like one of his buddies than his sexy girlfriend.
How to revive your sex drive: Sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Share with him how being treated like one of his buddies makes you feel like just a friend. Explain that you want to feel sexy and loved. At first, refrain from pointing out each mistake he's made, and don't expect him to fix his faux pas immediately. "A man's ego is incredibly vulnerable when it comes to sex and relationships," warns Eykelboom. "A man will often shut down or go on an extreme defensive if directly attacked. Use 'I feel' language rather than 'You did' language, and try to also praise him for what he does right"
If, after a couple days, he hasn't laid off the buddy interaction, then consider coming up with a ridiculously random code word that you'll mention whenever he starts treating you like one of the guys. Choose a word you don't normally use in every day speech that, when spoken, will shock him for a moment so he'll internalize that specific moment as a 'try not to do this again' situation. Using a ridiculous word like "handicap" or "toilet seat" will take the edge off of the situation and hopefully make you both laugh. For a sexy twist, try an erotic code word that may just put you both in a randy mood. The key is to be creative so that your guy feels comfortable. Let him feel like he is choosing how to act, and that you appreciate his effort.
Libido Killer #4: He's a workaholic.
He's hard working, ambitious, and financially secure. He had you swooning over him like a grade school girl when you first met. But his job is beginning to take priority over his relationship with you, and he works later and later each night. He is always exhausted after work, so he has little energy to expend on you and your sexual needs.
Why you should take action: Even if your boyfriend is a perfect gentleman when he's with you, if his job takes priority over your relationship, it can quickly kill his libido and yours. If he works hard during the day, when he sees you at night or on the weekends, he may be too exhausted to partake in hours of foreplay, or in other erotic activities that elevate your sex drive. Because his libido is easily ignited, he can forget that yours requires more than a place and a face.
How to revive your sex drive: Get your guy (and yourself) into the habit of slowing down when you both get home from work. Take turns giving each other massages, and toss up your routine at the house. If you live together, turn cooking dinner into a fun experiment where each of you creates your own version of a meal, and have an erotic prize for the best one. Instead of turning on the TV, play a game of naughty nude twister or, if you're going to watch TV, find a show that you enjoy watching together and make fun, erotic bets guessing what will happen in a particular episode. If you live apart, surprise your guy at his place with a full evening of pampering and relaxation.
But what do you do if your guy often brings work home, or works from home? Sit with him and do your work together, like Michelle*, 26 does. "My boyfriend recently started his own business, and since he has to work a lot while home, we both go to the bookstore to work or read together. We get into a lot of deep conversations that often turn to sexy topics. Having to whisper our naughty conversation in the bookstore turns into the perfect foreplay. Half the time, we have to cut it short and run home for some action!"
Also encourage him to slow down when you make love. Try using a scarf or nylons to gently tie his hands down so that you control the pace. Take extra care to lavish attention on each part of his body, allowing him to experience the pleasure associated with slow, languid love making sessions. Then, when he's worshipping you for your attention to his every erotic need, give him a wink and say, "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Because next time, it's my turn!"
Jaime L. Mintun is the featured author of Couple-Me.com's new article series that is helping Couple-Me.com's members improve their online dating practices and make that special connection that lasts. Ms. Mintun can be reached at jlmntn@yahoo.com. Visit us at http://www.Couple-Me.com to fill out your free dating profile!
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What is the Best Position for Making Love?

2009-04-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered which is the most sexual and feminine sexual position?
Well, the award undoubtedly goes to the missionary position! Yes, that old andboring man on top that can bring more satisfaction than you could imagine. No acrobatic positions, no pain and struggle, just complete focus on the pleasure sex should bring to both the partners.
This position is both feminine and erotic.
It offers the perfect environment for a woman to feel loved, taken care of and close to you at the same time. The missionary position is also the most comforting to finish for the woman and, with a little communication, for the man as well.
If you're still not convinced maybe you should fine-tune it a little bit.
A couple of hard pillows under her hips and the difference will make her moan with pleasure.
You can gently spread her legs or just suggest her she should wrap them around your waist.
Put one or both over your shoulders and you'll get the effect of a turbo engine.
With some training and patience this position will soon become number one. And all of this because it is perhaps the most adaptable one. Everybody can feel great while making love in the missionary position.
Many women find it easier to have an orgasm in this position because they are more relaxed and don't have to think about their performance as in other positions. All they have to do is close their eyes, sit back and relax while the orgasm slowly surrounds them.
This position can give the woman plenty of clitoral stimulation if the man leans forward thus rubbing his pelvic bone against her clitoris. It also allows the manual stimulation of her clitoris. The missionary position is just great for those who love intimacy during sex as they can remain face to face while making love and enjoy each other as they reach orgasm to the full. The man can kiss and caress the woman, touch her breasts and abdomen while she can touch and rub his head, shoulders, back, and butt.
If at any time during sex in the missionary position you need to make a little change, you can always roll around and shift into a different one without too much trouble. All of this adds variety to a position many consider to dull to bring pleasure.
All in all, the missionary position feels so natural and erotic that it could never become obsolete.
Want to learn even more awesome positions to drive both her and you wild?
Caterina Christakos is a published author and dating coach. Learn how to seduce women now. Go to: http://www.what-women-want.com

Homosexuality

2009-03-09T22:41:00.001-07:00

What about civil rights for Gays in all areas of life? It is said "You should condemn the sin, but not the sinner", but it is so hard to do for so many Christians who consider homosexuality a sin. But this is exactly what we, as Christians, should do, because after all, a homosexual is still a Child of God. And supporting civil rights for Gays does not mean condoning homosexuality. So civil rights for Gays in all areas of life ahould always be supported by Christians, except perhaps when you're choosing religious leaders who openly believe homosexuality not to be a sin. And on a personal note, even if you sre sexually approached by a Gay, you can just say "No thanks", if it's not your predilection. I did this 3 times during my lifetime and had no problem. What do you think?
What about marriage for homosexuals? Most Christians feel that marriage should just be between a man and a woman, but in reality marriage is only a word, and actually you only have to call a committed union between homosexuals anything you want, because all the homosexuals want are the same rights that married couples have in a committed relationship. It's just another Civil Rights question again. And I believe for homosexuals to insist on calling their committed relationship a marriage is a big mistake. What do you think?
What about adopting children by homosexuals? If homosexuals were to adopt children, the children would probably lose the father and mother role image that is common in nuclear families, although you'd still have the human role model image to follow. But this is also true if the adoption were made by single people as well, and some of the role models in nuclear families are not that great either. But I think that the biggest problem that Christians would have concerning this matter, would be that the adoptees could start emulating the life-style of their homosexual parents. But this would really be determined by what actually causes homosexuality? Is it environmentally caused, or is it genetically caused? What do you think?
ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE
In the Old Testament, homosexuality is definitely labeled as a sin (Lev 18:22), but as far as I can determine, God never explains why. I suspect that the reason in the beginning might be that anything that prevented the earth from being populated was a sin (Gen 1:28) and homosexuality obviously did that. Whether that reasoning could really be applied today, however. Is questionable. Nevertheless there could be other reasons why this activity might be a sin, but Scripture doesn't seem to reveal any other. Either you have to believe what God just says, which many people do, or you have to look for reasons as to why God says this, which some people need.
The Gospels do not condemn homosexuality specifically, but Jesus does say in the Gospels thatHe was not going to change the law one iota. (Math 5:18). Now what does He really mean by this, the much of the law, if you read it (Lev 11-24), is rather archaic, and seemingly not meant for today's society. If this is the case, then Jesus probably was talking about the Spirit of the Law.
In the New Testament with most references to homosexuality, there is a question as to whether thewords are correctly translated or not, but in Romans 1:26-27 Paul definitely indicates that homosexuality is a sin, and for most Christians this is enough. But if homosexuality is caused genetically, doesn't it go against Paul's description of homosexuality as being unnatural? And I suspect it might be caused genetically in most cases, because who in their right mind would want to be homosexual with all the bigotry it invites around the world. Besides, who would be the victim here if this relationship is between 2 consenting and caring adults? Would God be the victim, and feel it's sinful, if His children aren't being hurt by this relationship? Here again, one has to consider whether one should be obedient to what God literally says in His Book without question, or to question the "why" of the statement before being obedient to it. But an ideal couple in my opinion, would still be a man with a women, because biologically they think differently, and the mixture of their thinking would tend to make a couple more complete, plus the fact that they are still the only couple that can reproduce and develop a new generation.
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH
I was born in New York City in 1931, grew up on Long Island, graduated from Roanoke College in Virginia with a BA in Political Science, and from New York Theological Seminary with a Masters in Religious Education. I became a committed Christian in 1958, and after a number of years became a committed Ecumenical Christian. I worked as an accountant in various companies for about 25 years in New York City, then moved down to Argentina and worked for about 21 years as a Business Englishconversationalist teacher with some of the top managers. I also became a Stephen Minister (trained counselor) while down here. I was married twice (the last to an Argentine), widowed once, have no children, but have one cat. If you want to contact me, you can via (corbinwr@yahoo.com).

Sex, Love, and Poly-Behavioral Addiction

2009-03-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Proposing a New Diagnosis and Theory for Patients with Multiple AddictionsBy James Slobodzien, Psy.D., CSAC
Experts in the field of addictions are presently purporting that between 3 and 6 percent of the world's population (193 to 386 million people) are presently affected by a sexual dependency or compulsivity (Carnes, 2005). Sexual dependency is a diagnosable and treatable disease, which today is generally, regarded in about the same way that alcoholism and drug addiction (chemical dependency) was regarded 40 years ago. Even so, there still exists a wide range of understandable misunderstandings about compulsive sexual acting out, created out of ignorance about the nature of sexual addiction, and supported and perpetuated by the multibillion dollar pornography industry.
Sexual Dependency - is a global term that covers a wide range of maladaptive and self-defeating behavior patterns and relationships such as:
1. Love Addiction - a disorder in which individuals repeatedly become involved in enmeshed, intense, codependent relationships, even when those relationships or partners are destructive;
2. Romance Addiction - a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with the intrigue and the pursuit of romance and thrive on the thrill of the chase, but find it impossible to sustain a committed, intimate relationship with another person;
3. Sexual Anorexia - a disorder in which individuals become dominated and obsessed with the emotional, physical, and mental task of avoiding sex; and
4. Sex Addiction - a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with sexually-related, compulsive self-defeating maladaptive behavior.
But can one really be addicted to love as the popular 80's song proclaims? In a recent research study, (Aron, A. 2005) published in the June issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers used functional MRI to watch the real-time brain activity of 17 college students (10 women, seven men), all of whom were in the early weeks or months of new love. These researchers concluded that, love may vie for the same real estate in the brain as drug addiction. "Early love, rooted as it is in the caudate nucleus, is all about addiction." "It is a drug addiction." "It's certainly got some of the main characteristics of drug addiction -- as with drugs, once you fall in love you need that person more and more, so much so that, after a while, you have to marry them. There are other things, too -- real dependence, personality changes, withdrawal symptoms." "And just like the need for cocaine or heroin, love can make people do crazy, sometimes dangerous things." According to Aron (2005), the findings help explain instances where people fall in love with people they aren't even sexually attracted to; or why others can feel equally strong, sudden emotion for a newborn child or even God.
So does this mean that all people who are newly in love have an addiction? Are all men who look at pornography addicted? Are all women who read romance novels addicted? Are all people who avoid sex considered sexual anorexics? No, no, no, and no. Then how can we differentiate between addiction and healthy relationships? Like other forms of addictive diseases and lifestyle disorders such as chemical dependency, pathological gambling, eating disorders, and religious addiction -
Sexual dependency is characterized by an addictive cycle of:
1. Obsession or preoccupation;
2. Ritualization;
3. Compulsive behaviors;
4. Loss of control and despair; and
5. Shame and guilt that perpetuates a maladaptive belief system of impaired thinking and unmanageability.
Typically, sexual addictive patterns are considered pathological problems when issues concerning sexual behaviors become the focus of life, causing feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment with related symptoms of depression and anxiety that cause significant maladaptive social and/ or occupational impairment in functioning. Addicts don't use sex for affection or recreation, but for the management of anxiety and/ or emotional pain.
We must consider that some people develop dependencies on certain life-functioning activities such as sex that can be just as life threatening as drug addiction and just as socially and psychologically damaging as alcoholism.
Sexual addiction takes many forms with various levels of severity to include:
1. Controversial behaviors (obsessions with pornography, and sex with strangers to engaging in cyber-sex);
2. Unacceptable behaviors (exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls); and
3. Profound Sex offender behaviors (rape, incest, and child molestation).
Though solitary forms of this addiction may not be overtly risky, they can be part of a pattern of distorted thinking and identity conflict that can escalate to involve harming the self and others. An example of a Sexual Disorder (NOS) or Not Otherwise Specified in the DSM-IV-TR, (2000) includes: distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by an individual only as things to be used. (It should be noted that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has never used the word "addiction" to describe any of its disorders).The defining elements of this kind of addiction are its secrecy and escalating nature, often resulting in diminished judgment and self-control (Carnes, 1994).
Brief History of Sex Addiction
In 1976, a suburban hospital administrator asked Dr. Patrick Carnes to start an experimental program for chemically dependent families. The theoretical constructs of the program originated in general systems theory, especially as it applied to families and the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the many factors which stood out from a family perspective was that the addictive compulsivity had many forms other than alcohol and drug abuse including overeating, gambling, shoplifting, and sexuality. Members of groups like Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous had already pioneered in applying the 12-steps to other addictions so the Family Renewal Center extended its programming based on the 12-steps, to sexual addiction.
In 1983, Dr. Patrick Carnes formally introduced the concept of sexual addiction to the world in a text entitled "Out of the Shadows." Since then the field of sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behavior has developed dramatically. Terms such as addiction, compulsivity, hyper-sexuality, and "Don Juanism," all have been used to describe what generically could be called "out of control sexual behavior." Regardless of its name, clinicians from all fields agree that a syndrome exists in which individuals have a sense that they have lost control over their sexual behavior.
According to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), sexual addiction is a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others. The fundamental nature of all addiction is the addicts' experience of helplessness and powerlessness over an obsessive-compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict may be out of control. They may experience extreme emotional pain and shame. They may repeatedly fail to control their behavior. They may suffer one or more of the following consequences of an unmanageable lifestyle: a deterioration of some or all supportive relationships; difficulties with work, financial troubles; and physical, mental, and/ or emotional exhaustion which sometimes leads to psychiatric problems and hospitalization. Addictions tend to arise from the same backgrounds: families with co-dependency including multiple addictions; lack of effective parenting; and other forms of physical, emotional and sexual trauma in childhood.
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH, 2005) report that the symptoms of sexual compulsivity often accompany other addictive behaviors:
Alcohol and Drug Addiction - Alcohol and drugs alter libido, enhancing it early in drug addiction and inhibiting it later. There is a pattern in cocaine addiction of selling sexual favors for cocaine. As the cost of drug addiction increases, the drug addict usually can't afford the drug from ordinary job income, and must resort to (either/or) stealing, drug dealing or prostitution to support their habit. Alcohol and many drugs cause blackouts or amnesia during the drug using experience, and if sex is coupled with that drug using experience then the details of the sexual experience may not be remembered.
Food Addiction - Sexual anorexia or pathological self-denial of healthy sex is a frequent accompaniment of overeating and anorexia nervosa.
Pathological Gambling - The lifestyle of the gambler often includes hyper-sexuality, where both compulsions feed the false sense of self-esteem of the addict.
Religious Addiction - Compulsive religiosity sometimes accompanies sexual addiction as the sex addict is seeking religion to lessen guilt and shame. The beginnings of compulsive religiosity may signal the onset of a period of sexual anorexia.
Multiple Addictions
Since it is impossible to expect treatment for one addiction to be beneficial when other addictions co-exist, the initial therapeutic intervention for any addiction needs to include an assessment for other addictions. National surveys revealed that a very high correlation exists between sexual addiction and other substance abuse and behavioral addictions. Sexual addicts who have reported experiencing multiple addictions include sexual addiction and:
* Chemical dependency (42%)
* Eating disorder (38%)
* Compulsive working (28%)
* Compulsive spending (26%)
* Compulsive gambling (5%)
* Poor Prognosis
We have come to realize today more than any other time in history that the treatment of lifestyle diseases and addictions are often a difficult and frustrating task for all concerned. Repeated failures abound with all of the addictions, even with utilizing the most effective treatment strategies. But why do 47% of patients treated in private addiction treatment programs (for example) relapse within the first year following treatment (Gorski, T., 2001)? Have addiction specialists become conditioned to accept failure as the norm? There are many reasons for this poor prognosis. Some would proclaim that addictions are psychosomatically- induced and maintained in a semi-balanced force field of driving and restraining multidimensional forces. Others would say that failures are due simply to a lack of self-motivation or will power. Most would agree that lifestyle behavioral addictions are serious health risks that deserve our attention, but could it possibly be that patients with multiple addictions are being under diagnosed (with a single dependence) simply due to a lack of diagnostic tools and resources that are incapable of resolving the complexity of assessing and treating a patient with multiple addictions?
Diagnostic Delineation
Thus far, the DSM-IV-TR has not delineated a diagnosis for the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions. It has reserved the Poly-substance Dependence diagnosis for a person who is repeatedly using at least three groups of substances during the same 12-month period, but the criteria for this diagnosis do not involve any behavioral addiction symptoms. In the Psychological Factors Affecting Medical Condition's section (DSM-IV-TR, 2000); maladaptive health behaviors (e.g., unsafe sexual practices, excessive alcohol, drug use, and over eating, etc.) may be listed on Axis I, only if they are significantly affecting the course of treatment of a medical or mental condition.
Since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning, it is no wonder that repeated rehabilitation failures and low success rates are the norm instead of the exception in the addictions field, when the latest DSM-IV-TR does not even include a diagnosis for multiple addictive behavioral disorders. Treatment clinics need to have a treatment planning system and referral network that is equipped to thoroughly assess multiple addictive and mental health disorders and related treatment needs and comprehensively provide education/ awareness, prevention strategy groups, and/ or specific addictions treatment services for individuals diagnosed with multiple addictions. Written treatment goals and objectives should be specified for each separate addiction and dimension of an individuals' life, and the desired performance outcome or completion criteria should be specifically stated, behaviorally based (a visible activity), and measurable.
New Proposed Diagnosis
To assist in resolving the limited DSM-IV-TRs' diagnostic capability, a multidimensional diagnosis of "Poly-behavioral Addiction," is proposed for more accurate diagnosis leading to more effective treatment planning. This diagnosis encompasses the broadest category of addictive disorders that would include an individual manifesting a combination of substance abuse addictions, and other obsessively-compulsive behavioral addictive behavioral patterns to pathological gambling, religion, and/ or sex / pornography, etc.). Behavioral addictions are just as damaging - psychologically and socially as alcohol and drug abuse. They are comparative to other life-style diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease in their behavioral manifestations, their etiologies, and their resistance to treatments. They are progressive disorders that involve obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors. They are also characterized by a preoccupation with a continuous or periodic loss of control, and continuous irrational behavior in spite of adverse consequences.
Poly-behavioral addiction would be described as a state of periodic or chronic physical, mental, emotional, cultural, sexual and/ or spiritual/ religious intoxication. These various types of intoxication are produced by repeated obsessive thoughts and compulsive practices involved in pathological relationships to any mood-altering substance, person, organization, belief system, and/ or activity. The individual has an overpowering desire, need or compulsion with the presence of a tendency to intensify their adherence to these practices, and evidence of phenomena of tolerance, abstinence and withdrawal, in which there is always physical and/ or psychic dependence on the effects of this pathological relationship. In addition, there is a 12 - month period in which an individual is pathologically involved with three or more behavioral and/ or substance use addictions simultaneously, but the criteria are not met for dependence for any one addiction in particular (Slobodzien, J., 2005). In essence, Poly-behavioral addiction is the synergistically integrated chronic dependence on multiple physiologically addictive substances and behaviors (e.g., using/ abusing substances - nicotine, alcohol, & drugs, and/or acting impulsively or obsessively compulsive in regards to gambling, food binging, sex, and/ or religion, etc.) simultaneously.
Conclusion
Considering the wide range of sexual behaviors in our world today, one should always take into account an individual's ethnic, cultural, religious, and social background prior to making any clinical judgments, and it would be wise to not over-pathologize in this area of Sexual Dependency. However, since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning - poly-behavioral addiction needs to be identified to effectively treat the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions.
Since chronic lifestyle diseases and disorders such as diabetes, hypertension, alcoholism, drug and behavioral addictions cannot be cured, but only managed - how should we effectively manage poly-behavioral addiction?
The Addiction Recovery Measurement System (ARMS) is proposed utilizing a multidimensional integrative assessment, treatment planning, treatment progress, and treatment outcome measurement tracking system that facilitates rapid and accurate recognition and evaluation of an individual's comprehensive life-functioning progress dimensions. The ARMS hypothesis purports that there is a multidimensional synergistically negative resistance that individual's develop to any one form of treatment to a single dimension of their lives, because the effects of an individual's addiction have dynamically interacted multi-dimensionally. Having the primary focus on one dimension is insufficient. Traditionally, addiction treatment programs have failed to accommodate for the multidimensional synergistically negative effects of an individual having multiple addictions, (e.g. nicotine, alcohol, and obesity, etc.). Behavioral addictions interact negatively with each other and with strategies to improve overall functioning. They tend to encourage the use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs, help increase violence, decrease functional capacity, and promote social isolation. Most treatment theories today involve assessing other dimensions to identify dual diagnosis or co-morbidity diagnoses, or to assess contributing factors that may play a role in the individual's primary addiction. The ARMS' theory proclaims that a multidimensional treatment plan must be devised addressing the possible multiple addictions identified for each one of an individual's life dimensions in addition to developing specific goals and objectives for each dimension.
Partnerships and coordination among service providers, government departments, and community organizations in providing addiction treatment programs are a necessity in addressing the multi-task solution to poly-behavioral addiction. I encourage you to support the addiction programs in America, and hope that the (ARMS) resources can assist you to personally fight the War on poly-behavioral addiction.
For more info see: Poly-Behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS)By James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC at:http://www.geocities.com/drslbdzn/Behavioral_Addictions.html
National Council on Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity
P.O. Box 725544
Atlanta, GA 31139
(770) 541-9912
http://www.ncsac.org
Sexual Addiction Resources
http://www.sexhelp.com
References
American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 787 & p. 731.American Society of Addiction Medicine's (2003), "Patient Placement Criteria for the Treatment of Substance-Related Disorders, 3rd Edition, Retrieved, June 18, 2005, from:
http://www.asam.org/Arthur Aron, Ph.D., professor, psychology, State University of New York, Stony Brook; HelenFisher, research professor, department of anthropology, Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.; Paul Sanberg, Ph.D.,professor, neuroscience, and director, Center of Excellence for Aging and Brain Repair,University of South Florida College of Medicine, Tampa; June 2005, the Journal of NeurophysiologyCarnes, P.J. (1983). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare. Carnes, P.J. (1989). Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare. Carnes, P.J. (1991). Don't Call it Love. Minneapolis, MN: Gentle Press Publishing. Carnes, P.J. (1997). Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-hatred. Center City, MN: Hazelden. Carnes, P.J., & Delmonico, D.L. (1994). Sexual Dependency Inventory. Wickenburg, AZ: The Meadows Institute. Carnes, P.J., Delmonico, D.L., & Griffin, E. J. (2001). In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Center City, MN: Hazelden. Delmonico, D.L. (1997). Internet Sex Screening Test. [Online]. Available at: http://www.sexhelp.com Delmonico, D.L., Griffin, E.J., & Moriarity, J. (2001). Cybersex Unhooked: A Workbook for Breaking Free From Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior. Wickenburg, AZ: Gentle Path Press.Gorski, T. (2001), Relapse Prevention In The Managed Care Environment. GORSKI-CENAPS Web Publications. Retrieved June 20, 2005, from: www.tgorski.comLienard, J. & Vamecq, J. (2004), Presse Med, Oct 23;33(18 Suppl):33-40.Marlatt, G. A. (1985). Relapse prevention: Theoretical rationale and overview of the model. In G. A. Marlatt & J. R. Gordon (Eds.), Relapse prevention (pp. 250-280). New York: Guilford Press.Schneider, J.P. (1994). Sex addiction: Controversy within mainstream addiction medicine, diagnosis based on the DSV-III-R and physician case histories. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 1(1), 19-44. Slobodzien, J. (2005). Poly-behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS), Booklocker.com, Inc., p. 5.
James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC, is a Hawaii licensed psychologist and certified substance abuse counselor who earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology. The National Registry of Health Service Providers in Psychology credentials Dr. Slobodzien. He has over 20-years of mental health experience primarily working in the fields of alcohol/ substance abuse and behavioral addictions in medical, correctional, and judicial settings. He is an adjunct professor of Psychology and also maintains a private practice as a mental health consultant.

The Infamous Rabbit Vibrators

2009-01-21T22:17:00.001-08:00

Let's Face it if I mention Rabbit Vibrator you know what I am talking about and needs little introduction but few realise the workings behind this orgasmic sex toy.
A rabbit vibrator is essentially a standard vibrator. But don't be confused as there is one essential ingredient to this vibrator which will be explained later.
A rabbit vibrator has a few extra features. The rabbit vibrator is designed especially for the needs of the woman not only for solo stimulation but to enhance lovemaking between couples. Rabbit vibrators truly shine as one of the best sex toys for women. Over the years Rabbit Vibrators having been giving names as they have progressed. For example The Rabbit, Bunny Rabbit, Pearl Rabbit. Essentially these sex toys are all the same with the exception of variation of colour changes. Rabbit vibrators usually have a rotating or gyrating head. Most new rabbits can rotate both clock-wise and counter clockwise with a controller for the speed. The head is most often shaped like a penis to give a realistic feeling but can be found with a curved end for maximum g-spot stimulation. Majority of them have small plastic or metal beads incased in the shaft that vibrates or rotates at varying speeds and directions which can intensify at a touch of a button. These beads serve to enhance the sensation of an orgasm much like a ribbed condom. When the muscles of the vaginal wall contract around these vibrating or rotating beads during an orgasm, the beads provide extra sensations. The beads are found only on a rabbit vibrator and are one of the features that make is so popular.
The second and if not most important feature of a rabbit sex toy is the rabbit ears hence the name rabbit vibrator. These ears are shaped much like the ears of rabbit which in turn vibrates and stimulates the clitoral stimulation as they come into direct contact with the clitoris.
When shopping for a rabbit vibrator look for variable vibrating speeds and rotations which can easily be controlled either by a fixed handle or a remote control unit. The rabbit is a tried and proven sex toy which was unanimously chosen as the "best vibrator" out of 40 different vibrators on Playboy TV's "Sexcetera" and was selected as the "best vibrator" on a radio station in New York City when pitted against the Hitachi Magic Wand.
To enhance your experience when using any vaginal or anal sex toy vibrator make sure to use water based lubricant such as Super Silk. With all this said sex toys can be a wonderful enhancement to lovemaking and a source of truly spectacular pleasure and these toys should not be used in place of your partner but with your partner.
This article is brought to you by http://www.satisfaction247.co.uk
Haylea Smith is the owner of Satisfaction 247, an online adult toy and novelty store.

Phone Sex - is It Cheating? or is It Better Than Cheating?

2009-01-21T22:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone has an idea of what a professional phone sex call is like. "Hi sexy, I've been waiting for you all night...." as the Visa bill is charged up at $2.99 per minute. What exactly is the cost/benefit of all that heavy breathing and visa authorizations?
Well, having been in the industry for 4 years, having participated in over 5,000 phone sex calls, I have an opinion. Read on if you are curious - I already know you think you have the answer. So did I, 4 years ago. I was wrong.
First, lets look at phone sex itself. This is the safest and most convenient kind of sex. It can last as long as you want, or be over in less than 2 minutes, no strings attached. Callers can remain anonymous, can explore fantasies they wouldn't dare admit to, and confess anything to a sympathetic ear. They can ask for advice about personal situations. Callers can experiment with outlandish fetishes without committing to anything, or catching anything! I could go on and on, suffice it to say phone sex is easy, secretive, and has no real restrictions on what is 'allowed'.
What about married men calling for phone sex on their way home from work, or during Thursday Ladies Night Outs? What about them? Are they cheating? No, Phone sex is not cheating. Phone sex is entertainment, and it is much better entertainment than TV or Porn - its interactive and alot more 'effective'.
Are they perverted? They may be, but not because of the phone sex call. Millions of men are happy in their 'vanilla' relationships, loving and caring for their partners. Some of those men secretly crave some 'sexual spice' but would never risk offending their partner with their desires. Some men are ashamed of their fantasies. Some just don't know exactly what it is they are sexually looking for. There are deep rooted questions, "Am I gay?" "Is BDSM for me?" "Crossdressing?" These kinky fantasies just don't go away, so the man either quietly keeps them bottled up inside,until he withdraws from the 'vanilla' relationship and seeks a spicy live partner. Or, on a safer note, calls up a phone sex service and in 15 minutes relieves the craving and gets back to his happy vanilla self.
Are phone sex callers looking for relationships with the phone sex women? No. The only kind of relationship they want is to find someone nice to listen to who can quickly get at the 'itch', who doesn't rob them, and has a great imagination. Its about the same way women feel about a great hair stylist - someone who just knows what she wants, will style her hair beautifully, taking risks now and then, and not charge too much.
Is phone sex therapy? Yes. Think about it, there is a friendly ear paid to listen and encourage conversation, without any competing 'issues' to distract from the conversation. Women have girlfriends for support and listening. Men don't have that same kind of luxury. During a phone sex call, many men talk through stressful events of the day. Sometimes they ask for feedback and opinions, sometimes they don't. Besides the fact that 'sex' is a great stress relief, the actual conversation relieves stress and refreshes the mind and body.
The conversations are what I believe wives are jealous of, and that is where the 'cheating' accusation comes in. Wives want their husbands to talk to them, not some stranger. Of course, that is what makes relationship strong and healthy. However, how many wives will LISTEN as well as a phone sex operator? How many women encourage their men to speak on ANY topic, wearing and doing anything he pleases, agreeing to play along with the fantasy, and not change the topic? I know that if more wives and girlfriends could actually do that, there would be alot less phone sex calls made.
Phone sex is not cheating.
Cassie Jones has been in the phone sex business for years. You can find her easily at phone sex mania and many other websites, just search for Mistress Cassie.

11 Hot Tips For Lasting Longer in Bed

2009-01-01T00:22:00.000-08:00

Ever wanted to achieve more sexual pleasure for you and your partner?
Have you ever felt like your sexual patterns are preventing you and your lover from experiencing sex as blissfully as you know it can be?
Does the prospect of having sex sometimes seem too daunting just because of a history of unsatisfying experiences?
Changing your sexual patterns may be a burning issue for you, a passing curiosity or perhaps you know someone that could benefit from this information.
In any case I am sure you will find the following informative and interesting.
1. Slow down.
It may seem obvious, but the number one way to make sex last longer is to do everything slower.
Breathing, feeling, foreplay, kissing and intercourse are all parts of the sex act that do not need to be rushed.
2. Give everything time.
Every moment in sex is worth experiencing fully.
Let things unfold in their own time and you will be rewarded with richer experiences during sex and more learning and satisfaction from sex.
3. Deepen your breathing.
Our breath connects us deeply to our body and its rhythms, as well as the rhythm of other bodies near us.
Focusing on breathing also helps to quiet the mind and sooth any internal dialogue that may be interfering with our natural enjoyment of the sex.
Here's a hint, try synchronising your deep slow breathing with your partner's.
4. Let go of expectations.
Without expectations around sex, we are free to more naturally savour the experience ? however it is!
We can be more open to the experience and learn more as a result.
Without expectations we free ourselves from disappointment.
Here's a trick ? see if you can implement these techniques to improve your sex, without caring whether they work!
5. Focus on pleasure in sex rather than the sex act or outcome.
Regardless of certain ideas of sex perpetuated in the world, sex is not about the ending, it is about the whole experience.
Getting the girl, having an orgasm, giving an orgasm ? these are all important aspects of sex.
But the most important element of sex is pleasure!
When you start enjoying every moment of sex ? it will go on as long as you want!
6. Increase knowledge of your body.
Take the time to understand what brings you pleasure and learn how to pleasure yourself better. Don't forget to share your new knowledge with your partner too.
Read up about anatomy. The human body is amazing!
7. Increase knowledge of your partner's body.
Don't be afraid to ask questions and always be open to trying new things in bed. Explore every part of your partner's body like you have never seen or touched it before.
Every time you engage in sex it is a perfect opportunity to expand your sexual knowledge.
You can learn a lot about the human body by asking friends about their experiences too.
8. Reframe sex as a nurturing healing act.
When we attach shame and guilt to sex it is no wonder that it doesn't flow naturally. Adjust your mindset around sex to reflect only positive aspects.
Sex feels so good, how could a gift like this be anything other than healing!
9. Let go of performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety is unnecessary. Be kind to yourself. Learn to forgive yourself if things don't go perfectly, and then learn to stop caring about perfect anyway.
10. Feel your body from within.
Our sensual experience can be deepened dramatically by focusing on our experience from within our body.
Get out of your head and let your consciousness move to the centre of your body.
11. Be present.
Don't let the mind wander or engage in pointless internal chatter. Don't let your fantasies and thoughts take you further from the experience at hand.
Be in the present experience and the present moment.
So there you have it. Any of these tips individually can start to impact on your sexual performance right now. If you learn them all, you will be a master of your body in and out of the bedroom.
Don't be daunted if it takes a little time though ? these are life changing techniques and may take a bit of practice.
And most importantly of course, enjoy yourself practising!!
Love, Mukee
Copyright 2005 Mukee Okan
Mukee Okan is a world renowned sexual therapist and spiritual guide. She is based in Phoenix and keeps herself busy running workshops and sessions in Europe, North America, Asia, Australia and New Zealand.Visit http://www.masterejaculation.com and sign up for Mukee's inspirational free online newsletter, and download free audio files.

Tips for Better Love Making - The Top 5 Erogenous Zones of a Female

2009-01-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

If you're floundering in the bedroom and your girlfriend is moaning for all the wrong reasons, these tips will point you in the right direction.
Gentlemen! If you want to get your girl moaning for real instead of faking it, you're going to have to put a bit of work in. Firstly, a male can achieve orgasm within 2 - 3 minutes when stimulated by another partner. Where as a female can take up to 15 minutes to climax.
If you know for a fact that you can't keep going for that long by pure intercourse alone (and lets face it, if you're doing that, you're having sex, not making love) then you are going to have to stimulate her body with foreplay instead.
Now before you panic and freak out, all of this can be done with your tongue and hands. I guarantee you will become a better lover in the bedroom AND you really will give her orgasm after orgasm.
The top 5 female erogenous zones
The neck
Apart from being sexy and attractive, the female neck is perhaps one of the most sensitive areas of her body. Softly kissing this area from her shoulder to below her ear (while at the same time massaging it with your tongue will send tingles and pulses up and down her spine. Keep at it and she will be breathing heavily in a very short period of time.
The ear lobes
Sucking ear lobes isn't for everyone. Some girls get the tickles when you do it but others simply adore it. While you're there you can whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Close facial contact is what she likes so this is a good way to do it if you're fed up with kissing on the lips. Also massaging her ear lobes with your fingers from time to time can be very soothing.
The nipples
On a par with the neck for sensitivity, the female nipples become hard and sit up right when stimulated with your tongue. Don't forget to give both breasts even attention and also kiss down in between her breasts as you work your way between both of them. If she hasn't grabbed your head by this stage and held it into her bosom, something's badly wrong.
The belly button
Working your way down her body, the belly button is another area you should stimulate before full intercourse. Kissing this area with your lips and tongue will cause vibrations that will vibrate through her reproductive area and begin to stimulate her G spot.
The G Spot
Ah the G spot. This holy grail legend of the female anatomy can be tricky to find. So if the chance arises, ask her if she has already found her G spot and let her point you in the right direction.
As a general guide, most female G spots can be found on the roof of the vagina (that's the side closest to her stomach.). It's about the size and shape of a 2 pence coin and can be found about 4 inches in.
Extreme caution should be taken when stimulating this area with your tongue or fingers as a female can quite literally lose control of her limbs. Don't be surprised if you get kneed in the face or get elbowed as she moans in ecstasy. It should also be noted that not all females have a G spot, so don't be alarmed if you both can't find it. As you have seen there are plenty of other areas of the female body that can be stimulated in the art of love making in order to help her climax.
Doing a combination of all these things will leave her begging for more and you will be a better lover for it. Experimentation is the key to find out what works and what doesn't as everyone is not the same.
As you can see, a true female orgasm involves the stimulation of her whole body and not just simple penetration. Taking the time to show care and attention to her needs will put you so far above any other lovers, she may have had that you may find it tricky escaping from the bed. I know I have ;-)
I hope this article helps your love life get back on track and that you become better and more confident at making love and not just having sex. Above all else, if you want to become a better lover, ask your partner what they like and what they want you to do to them. Not only will you help them get their rocks off quicker, you'll also show that you are thinking about their needs and they in turn will think about yours. This will create a much better experience than if both parties are concentrating on what each can get out of the experience in a very selfish way.
Until next time.
By Jack Crow
http://www.sexy-american-singles.com
Jack Crow is a freelance writer and part time webmaster. When he's not building web sites he's checking out new dating sites that appear on the net.To see what he thinks of them visit his dating website.

Orgasm & Early Ejaculations - Sex is a Serious Thing!

2008-12-12T19:12:00.001-08:00

Most of the questions asked to sexual health experts are about men's early ejaculations and women's orgasm troubles. When you read this you may say: It's normal, if man is coming off quickly, woman couldn't have an orgasm! But if you really think for a few seconds, surprisingly, you won't see any relation between these two events. Because, a man if he is not a boor, will prepare his woman to reach her orgasm before his ejaculation.
The other highly popular question is about the penis size! After all that porn movies many people are really confused. How and where to find such a prominent organ? What is the normal size? How thick and long can be the biggest? How small is acceptable for lovemaking?
Every man's genital is different as his finger print and the role of the penis size in a happy and successful sexual relationship is not such important. At least you don't have to be such stupid to pay sack full money to programs, drugs or advice for making it bigger! Even with a huge organ a man's chance is very limited to make her achieve an orgasm if he is not a good lover and doesn't know proper sex techniques, most probably he will cause pain instead of pleasure.
Even a man who has a miniscule dick may be a perfect lover! The only way is to learn how to make better love, how to be a better partner, instead of being paranoiacly distressed. This is normal and this is your body, love it and try to use it more creatively and with more love. Kiss and caress every part of your partner's body for long time, arouse her enough, and go down and give her a nice oral love... until she reaches the climax.
Believe me, every woman loves and prefers such a talented lover in the place of a big dick entering a few times into your vagina before spurting out and then sleeping in his side as nothing happened! Naturally!
Having a small organ is not a guilt, a crime, if he knows his body and has developed many better solutions he is absolutely a CLEVER man and a perfect lover!
In regard to early ejaculations... This, also, is not a crime and if the man has not an organic disorder, may be corrected with some effort. But many men, instead of paying attention to their situation, act like early coming off doesn't make any difference in their sex life! Which may be true!
Actually you may consider the natural disharmony between two genders. Men, by their nature, want to thrust into a hole when aroused and squirt in, that's all! But woman needs a prior preparation, a foreplay of at least 10-15 minutes to be concentrated and ready for insertion.
One woman likes this position, another may choose that position, many women request clitoris stimulation besides men's thrusting... Many fatiguing services asked from men! And furthermore, if a serious and passionate relationship doesn't exist between partners, men are really exhausted in the bed. Is a natural error, an innate lack of harmony exists between men and women?
Let see some different type of early comers:
Type A: The worst. He doesn't even know he is an early comer. When he likes, he takes the woman under him and ejaculates. He doesn't care anything else! For the woman's orgasm? What is that? He hasn't heard anything about woman's orgasm!
Type B: He knows about woman's orgasm but act like he doesn't know. Same of the Type A, he pulls the woman under and he comes off, the only difference, if by mistake or pain, woman makes a weak sound like "ah" he will suppose she reached an orgasm but for his comfort, he will never ask her the truth!
Type C: He knows his disorder, he is sad and wants to visit a doctor but he is shamed or can't find the time to go! As a foreplay he kiss and caress her a little but he can't wait and comes off. Sometimes he can't even find times to thrust his dick into her. He is sad but life goes on!
Type D: He is aware of his early ejaculation disorder but he also knows his partner's orgasm right! So, he will kiss and caress her at great length, give her a great oral love and bring her to an orgasm. Then start to make love for himself and he comes off. Because his partner reached orgasm before his quick ejaculation there is no trouble. Partners are relaxed and happy!
That means, if a man is understanding and clever the early ejaculation is not an important obstacle on the way of a happy sexual relationship. Man may visit a doctor and try to find the main reason behind this disorder and get a treatment which is totally normal, but meantime he is kind and not selfish, gives her ultimate pleasures to reach her orgasm.
An absolutely good sex for a woman is a normal dick size, a foreplay at length, long kisses and caresses, staying inside her long enough with many thrusting, knowing her favorite positions and giving her the best pleasures... not insisting on what he wants, but understanding her and giving her what she needs to get her climax.
Please remember that if she has reached to one orgasm in her entire life, she knows the best position for her, and an intelligent man never insists on a new position which may cause a lack of concentration, he will follow her orientations.
Finally, what is the woman's responsibility in creating a harmonious sexual relationship? Women must talk and describe what they want clearly. Of course talking to the boors will not produce a positive result but intelligent men may understand your needs. Do not imitate orgasm or do not keep silent and sleep... talk to your lovers and kindly explain your desires, if not you will lose your sexual desires and even you won't be able to masturbate and get orgasm by yourself in the future!
Amy Guven is partner of Vitalinfocenter.com since 2000 and the author of famous eBook "Amy's Tutorial - Reshape your Womanhood" about better sex tips and techniques to improve sexual talents and maximize happiness in relationships. Being highly successful in its goal of making people sexually confident and happy, Amy's Tutorial has been sold thousands of copies till today. Please read testimonials.

Sex Without Intimacy and Intimacy Without Sex

2008-12-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

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Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk
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We no longer feel the social pressure to confine sex to committed relationships. In fact, we're free to explore our sexuality with just about anyone we like. Sex is now an accepted recreational activity. What we often don't realize, however, is that even casual, recreational sex still involves intimacy. We may have overcome our fear and shame about sex, but many of us still have issues regarding intimacy. If we experience more intimacy than we can handle, we will feel threatened; our safety checklist will be triggered. No matter how "safe" we make sex, sex may not be safe to us.
When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more completely and more honestly than at any other time. We let our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to experience a true connection with another person. Then the ego comes back into the picture, and we're hit with the fear of separation, and all of our old patterns. If we don't have enough trust or enough safety, we will feel threatened, guilty, and generally unsafe. No matter how much society's beliefs about sex have evolved in our lifetime, our core conditioning tells us that there's no such thing as no-strings sex. We still equate sex with love, and love with commitment. And we equate love and commitment with vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs will not be met.
Sex is very easy to come by in today's society. What most of
us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge is that the only model most of us have for expressing or experiencing intimacy is sex. Intimacy requires trust, and trust takes time. It's very difficult to experience true intimacy through casual sex.
The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs early in the relationship. Safety is essential in the early stages of a relationship--even the smallest safety violation can mark the end of a budding romance. As we get to know our partners over time, we create a foundation of trust and familiarity. We can keep minor safety violations in perspective. This is not the case when we have truly casual sex with someone.
When we become sexual with a person we've just met, even the smallest safety violation will be enough to stop our getting to know each other. One of the challenges is that it's not usually appropriate or possible to have a Relationship Definition Talk with a person we've known less than six hours. There is no real relationship to discuss. While we both may have wanted to pursue a romantic relationship before we had sex, we often find we're less interested the next morning, because we feel unsafe. We experienced too much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create some distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we can recover. These walls, however, block the emotional and spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to get to know each other in the first place. Since we don't really know our partner, we wonder if there was ever a genuine connection between us. We often end up with the awkward "morning after" where one of us promises to call the other, and neither of us believes the phone will actually ring.
Two popular television shows demonstrate our current approaches to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.
SEX WITHOUT INTIMACY: "SEX AND THE CITY"
HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the loves and lives of four single women living in New York City. The show has become a cultural touchstone because it explores sexuality from the woman's point of view in frank, funny, and honest ways. The four main characters are smart, independent, decent, professional, attractive women. They each have a different approach to sex, love and relationships, and between them they cover a broad spectrum of expectations and attitudes towards sex. The main characters have become so much a part of popular culture that many women use them as reference points to describe their own patterns and feelings about sex. So do many gay men.
For those of you not familiar with the series (and even for those of us who are), I'll provide a brief description of each of the main characters to illustrate their attitudes
towards sex.
SAMANTHA
Samantha Jones takes the most stereotypically male approach to sex. She truly enjoys sex, and for the most part, she's content to have a healthy sex life with multiple partners. She has no guilt or shame associated with sex. Sex for Samantha does not require any kind of emotional commitment, nor does it imply any kind of relationship. She enjoys sex for the sake of sex. Samantha is largely self-sufficient, and is able to meet her validation needs through her close friendships. Although Samantha had three significant romantic relationships during the run of the show (including a lesbian relationship), she has never set out to find a relationship.
CARRIE
Carrie Bradshaw has a healthy appreciation for casual sex as well. Carrie, however, is looking for something more than just sex--she is looking for a relationship. While Carrie is less likely than Samantha to simply hook up with an attractive stranger, she doesn't need to feel like she's in a committed relationship before she will have sex. Sex is a part of casual dating for Carrie.
MIRANDA
Miranda Hobbes is more interested in finding a romantic relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is more than just sex--it implies some kind of commitment, and requires some kind of emotional connection. The few times Miranda has indulged in strictly casual sex, she's been disappointed. Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a relationship--and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to try to initiate a relationship. Once she has sex with someone, she immediately begins to see him as a potential long-term romantic partner.
CHARLOTTE
If Samantha is the most stereotypically masculine in her approach to sex, Charlotte York is the most stereotypically feminine. Although she doesn't like to admit it, Charlotte is uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. For Charlotte, sex should only be part of a committed relationship. Charlotte sets the most boundaries with respect to her sex life--how far she's willing to go sexually has a direct relation to how strong a commitment she receives from her partner. Of course this did backfire on her--she made her first husband wait until they were married before she would have sex with him, and then discovered that he couldn't.
INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX: "WILL & GRACE"
"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we want to find a model for an intimate relationship, we have to look to another popular television show: "Will & Grace." Will Truman and Grace Adler share a tremendous amount of love, trust and intimacy in their relationship. They validate and support each other, and they share the kind of emotional connections that most of us truly crave in our lives. Ironically, the only reason that they manage to do this is that sex can never be a part of their relationship, since Will is gay. Women and gay men have always shared a special bond. In many ways, relationships between women and gay men are the only ones where we can experience true intimacy without involving sex.
But sex and intimacy are still connected. The more intimate we become with someone, the more important it will be that we are able to express that intimacy through sex. Our objective in our romantic relationships is to feel loved. Ultimately, love involves a balance of sex and intimacy. But for many of us, the choice seems to be either having intimacy without sex, or sex without intimacy. We've all but forgotten how to combine the two.
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Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life. Visit http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.
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Why Men Worship Lingerie, and The Qualms We Have With Lingerie Stores

2008-12-09T22:56:00.002-08:00

I must first present the disclaimer: as only one man, I cannot, and will not, speak for the rest of my gender. I can only present my side of the story and the details and ideas I have personally acquired throughout my short yet informative and experienced mature life.
From a time I can barely recall, lingerie has been a dear part of my heart. At that certain point in a man's premature teenage years, he begins to take notice of the opposite gender. Much of this takes place in anything he can get his hands on: department store catalogs, an uncle's pornographic magazine collection, and most recently, I suppose the internet.
My memories take me back to a tree fort belonging to the boys of the neighborhood. We spent many long summers building and perfecting the gathering place where we would share the freshest contraband we could somehow acquire. Probably not too far a stretch from most ordinary boys and their neighborhood pals.
My college years were not too different. Living with male roommates, there was no shortage of adult magazines to flip through while watching another rerun of "The Simpsons." These porno mags seemed central to all bathroom reading material belonging to most male inhabited apartments or houses I had the pleasure of stepping into.
My adoration of the porno mag was not just about the bare image of a lady. It had just as much to do with the glamorous lingerie she was in the middle of taking off. What is it about lingerie that starts a young lad's engine? Men are much more visual than our counterparts, this I understand.
But why would I rather see a lady in fine lingerie than with nothing on at all? The only answer I can give is the imagination. Since we are such visual creatures, we rely on our perception. This scenario may be similar to the "beer goggles" one may experience late at night. We lean on our imagination and perception to trigger our sexual fantasies. We close our eyes and dream of the possibilities. Lingerie is the trigger of our minds' endless pursuit of fantasy.
Then why do I freeze up in the lingerie store?
It may be for none other than lack of knowledge. We (men) are not here on Earth to predict the unpredictable. We go with the flow. There is no way to know what kind of lingerie she will like, and we will undoubtedly buy her a size that will leave her feeling insulted.
When we see a woman in an appealing ensemble of intimates, we always seem to know what we like, but we cannot possibly transfer this data to what she will like. We can satisfy ourselves in this situation, but never the other. Therefore, we both lose.
There will be a time when we hit the jackpot, though. It's a numbers game. If we buy her enough lingerie, we are bound to get it right at least once. This is no minor victory in the man's mind. The fireworks will be seen by all, and those who missed it will get the play-by-play.
Lingerie follows the golden rule of gift giving in general: it is the thought that counts. This is the rule we truly understand, and when we fail we have no excuses. To repair the damage, most of us resort to the action we should've taken in the first place.
Robb Ksiazek is a successful author and publisher for http://www.lingerie-4u.biz. He has researched and written hundreds of articles and can simplify your online search by recommending merchants for the best value and selections in quality lingerie, stockings, panties, and bra intimates.

This Magic Moment

2008-12-09T22:56:00.001-08:00

Remember when you began dating your wife or girlfriend?
Those moments when the touch of her hair, the wisp of a kiss or the electricity you felt when holding hands? Do you still feel the same way or do you feel that you are missing some of those feelings?
Of course you still love your mate, probably more than ever before, but unfortunately most of the excitement has, somehow, disappeared.
You have fallen into the same day, in, day out, doldrums. Time has passed and you are into a routine, and by doing so have lost that special feeling you got just by smelling her scent or hearing her voice.
Well, stop thinking about "what was" and start putting someof the excitement and romance back into your life !
Many successful couples, who have been together for many years, know the secret of a successful relationship is always finding ways to keep it fresh, and what I am going to discuss is just one way that you can put the "oomph" back into your lives .
Have you ever felt the smoothness and delicate touch that a silk blouse gives. That shimmery fabric which is so delicate to the touch and sexy, clinging to her body? It is no wonder that the sexiest looking lingerie is made of silk or a satiny material.
So, why not give your loved one a delicate item to share with you in the bedroom. Watch her as she wears this item and as she caresses you with the feel of the garment against your skin.
This, for sure, can bring excitement to your life but there is something else you can share equally, which should give you even more pleasure and a sense of heightened desire. That "something else" is satin sheets.The smoothness of the fabric, cool against your skin, as your bodies glide across this wonderful material, creating a sensual and exciting moment.Wow, it is such a turn-on!
Prepare the moment by putting these fantastic feeling sheets on your bed. Have some sexy lingerie laid out for your mate and light some scented candles to set the mood.
When you first crawl under the sheets it feels a bit cool, but they warm up quickly from the heat of your bodies, full of sexual desire. The feeling of silky satin all around you is so enticing and very erotic.
Shimmery candles?. Satiny sheets?. Sexy lingerie....
A tender touch....
Are you becoming heady, your desires welling up?
Welcome to this magic moment!
About The Author
Marina Smiley is the author of popular eBook about Russian-Western marriages.
"Love With Russian Women"
Get Your Free Newsletter "The Naked Truth About Russian Women"

What Turns Them On?

2008-12-05T00:10:00.001-08:00

People make 90% of their opinion about us in the first 4 minutes.
Physical desirability is determined in the first 10 seconds.
You do not have to look like the latest Hollywood hunk or runway supermodel to be attractive to the opposite sex. By understanding why and how people are attracted to you and employing these strategies you can easily have them looking your way.
Gender signals operate on a subconscious level. Which has been passed on by are ancestors. Do men perceive beauty over personality and intelligence? Flowers have beautiful colors to be attractive in a deep forest. They let you know about their condition this way. It is the same for human attraction. A man is attracted to a woman when she shows the possibility of him passing on his genes. An attractive man for a woman is usually one who can provide food and safety. Looks are not always a number one priority for woman but rather a sense of security. They are usually attracted to older men because of this.
What turns men on the most?
Men are visual beings. They first see the physical beauty of a woman and if she could carry his gene. But a man does not seek the same physical lust in a long term partner. But more for a stable relationship and someone who can care for him and the family.
A woman's body seems to have been created as a sexual signaling system for men.
Men's turn on
1. Athletic Body
A fit body is a sign of health and shows that she is able to bear children and is most likely able to defend herself and her offspring form danger. Some extra pudge is usually more attractive because it helps in breastfeeding.
2. Full Breasts
Late teens and early twenties are men's favorite for breasts. As this is a woman's sexual and reproductive peak. Typical of what you would find in clothing ads and erotic magazines. But don't worry if yours are not quite like that because research and common knowledge show that men love breasts no matter what size. So they are not only attracted to large breasts. They just simply love them all.
Breasts are mostly fat tissue which is not involved in the production of milk but gives them that contoured look. Breast mostly change only a little during pregnancy. They are usually used for sexual signaling.
The patch around the nipple is called the areola and it has small glands that during sexual activity actually emit a scent. Which in turn stimulates the male brain. Now that goes to show you why men like to spend there time there.
3. Long Legs
A stairway to heaven: The more leg a man sees and the longer they are the better because it draws attention up above.
When a girl reaches puberty her legs lengthen and become a signal to males that she is sexually maturing. Which is it is associated with sexuality. Teenage girls learn of this early and start to wear high healed shoes to make their legs seem longer and short skirts. Men like high heels because they make a woman look more sexual by making her legs seem longer, arching her back, making her butt stick out, thrusting her pelvis forward.
Men are more attracted to thicker legs then muscular legs for sake of sexual differences. It has been shown woman will unconsciously select more revealing dresses/skirts and heels during her menstrual cycle/ovulating.
4. Rounded waist/hips
Woman have been trying to keep or get the hourglass figure by any means possible for the last five centuries. Even if it meant great pain, suffering and work. This meant broken ribs, damaged internal parts, reduced breathing etc. All this from wearing a bustie to look like an hourglass figure. A woman is most attractive to a man when her hip to waist ratio is 70%. The hourglass being her waist is 70% the size of her hips. Usually interest is lost if ratio exceeds 80%. A ratio of 100% or more attracts little attention as this shows fat distribution around the womb and ovaries and is a non verbal indication of lower fertility. Your body moves fat away from vital organs such as the heart, brain, and testicals. Woman who are fixed gain fat around the stomach like men because they no longer have reproductive organs.
To be continued:
Come back soon as I will add more to this list and also cover What turns woman on.
By: Andre Leblanc
Read more articles on relationship, sex and more at http://www.datingsas.com
You may use this article on your webpage only if you keep in 100% intact with are link or link directly to it.
Andre Leblanc has several years experience in the online dating and relationship field. Including implementation of new technology and creation of websites. Currently he is working on datingsas.com

Boost Your Sex Power - Natural Ways

2008-12-05T00:08:00.000-08:00

If your sexual tempo is decreased after sunny summer days do not be anxious! This is totally normal. You will find a few recommendations and a special formula for men to overcome these hard days on the next lines.
According to mythology, love goddess Aphrodite was known by her own formulated preparations and ointments that she gives to her lovers to increase their sexual power. This is the reason of why today we are calling all stimulating elixirs as aphrodisiacs. Nowadays men are not such lucky and we highly recommend to read this article to men who live in big cities.
Without doubt best aphrodisiacs are Sun, a good sleep and fresh air. A good sleep is necessary for the body to pack itself up, to increase its energy and revitalize its hormones. Sun light is a powerful doping for our body including sexual hormones. The main reason of men's vitality in holidays is being relaxed in fresh air. But in Autumn's cloudy days some natural reinforcements may help a lot.
Magical power of foods:
Basil, clove, ginger, onion, tomato, radish, celery, egg, carrot, red pepper, oats, asparagus, fresh onion, chestnut, hazelnut, pistachio nut, coconut, cucumber, oyster, caviar are main foods to improve your sexual power. Having them in your weekly menu selections would be a wise choice. Specially, foods containing vitamin E like pistachio, almond, hazelnut and walnut are natural drugs for impotence and erectile disorders.
Red is good for men's vitality:
When we say aphrodisiacs we generally mean drugs for men because they must be active in sexual relationships. In other words, for a successful lovemaking they must be aroused and erected. For a man vigor red color is important. In astrology Mars represents man and its sexual power, and Mars's color symbol is red. So, red colored foods and drinks are recommended for man's arousal. For example red pepper, red ginseng...
A man who is always wearing pale, pastel or dark colored dresses may get less excitations. Maybe this is the reason of using red lights, red under wares, red bed sheets... to create an erotic environment. Red coral or ruby stone are also good for increasing man's energy.
Women who feel sexually less active may also profit from red color and stones. But the must important aphrodisiacs for a woman is love and affection added into lovemaking.
As vegetal aphrodisiacs, vitamins are very helpful for a successful sex life. Specially vitamin E is vital for men. Beside pills you can get vitamin E through natural foods and specially hazelnut contains many minerals and essential fat acids. To overcome the fatigue syndrome due to modern life and high technology, vitamin B is also indispensable.
Avoid depression:
Remember that behind sexual troubles, many hormonal and nourishing disorders, and heavy depressions may exist. Also, after a serious depression or a nutrition disorder only a treatment of natural mixtures may not be sufficient, in such cases help of a psychiatrist (sexologist) or nutrition expert is needed.
Heavy training may be harmful:
For a healthy sexual life a light and not tiring training program is as important as vegetal aphrodisiacs. A light and regular exercise program will balance your metabolism and hormonal system to keep you sexually active. But beware of heavy and tiring training programs because an extra low fat texture may cause a performance decrease.
Yoga, meditation and many other positive energy techniques are recommended to purify your brain against stress and support sexual energy. Right breathing exercises are also important for a successful sex life. If you insist for heavy training please pay special attention for a regular and healthy nutrition.
A Special Booster Formula for Men:
Put 1 kg. of a good quality flower honey into a glass pot, add 250 gr. powdered ginger, 100 gr. powdered Indian saffron, 50 gr. peeled and pounded green cardamom, 1 gr. saffron, 5 gr. pounded coriander, 4 sweet spoons of pounded stinging nettle seeds, 2 sweet spoons of royal jelly, 4 sweet spoonful of pollen, 100 gr. unshelled and pounded pistachio nut and 100 gr. of pine nut. Stir and mix the whole with a wood spoon. You can store the pot in a cool and gloomy place. If you don't have any allergy or illness against those ingredients, eat one tablespoon 2 times (morning and night) in a day.
Amy Guven is partner of Vitalinfocenter.com since 2000 and the author of famous eBook "Amy's Tutorial - Reshape your Womanhood" about better sex tips and techniques to improve sexual talents and maximize happiness in relationships. Being highly successful in its goal of making people sexually confident and happy, Amy's Tutorial has been sold thousands of copies till today. Please read testimonials.

Goddess Seeks God

2008-12-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

She sighs as a flute, softly emitting silver echoes of her rapture. This is the sacred song of a female, a woman, whose fragrance is rising to the mind, where petals fold back, releasing a white-gold energy into infinity.
The rushing of the red transforms through the heart to higher thought, where sexual feelings become Goddess and God fused. They exchange their buds of desire, mouth to mouth. The membrane of self-protection splits, and the fluids of love rush out with delight. They possess.
The cries of divine utterance settle to frail weeping, as a rose who has received a full shower of dew. In the pleasant half sleep that follows, she cannot completely realize that she has partaken of the Goddess. She was, for a moment of time, a Goddess. Did she not leave her mortal body and flee to the habitation of spirits? Was she also spirit? Then is she not Goddess? Why did she return to earthly flesh after drinking with him? Perhaps, as two serpents of love they weave and dance around each other, until their heads and eyes see as one. Their fangs pass on to each other the venom of ecstasy, and they reach across the limitless space in a blurred dream. Therefore, in this life they are able to touch briefly the Goddess and God they are and glimpse what they might be if they awaken.
She lies with the leaves on the forest floor, struck by love, and left to continue her days. Another time she will meet him with whom she shares the eons of the spirits, and they will writhe, unchained to the passages of flesh. Peace is hers because she sought her male and he called for her name to the mountains and the winds, and requested the mermaids to deliver to him the woman he needed to show him how to be a God.
There is much misery for a woman who cannot find the balm of their soul in all the countless males she ventures upon. Emotionally, she believed she was not a fortress, she was weak, and therefore met the beasts of the world defenseless. Why didn't she see that she was a Goddess and born to the earth to take her throne? She let many men enjoy her honey, her precious nectar. There was no price for it except a pledge of love. As the morning came, her liquid had been robbed; her face in the reflecting mirror was as the ebb tide. Over time, she became the comfortless hag. Her beauty, once as a translucent magnolia, withdrew into the deep cracks of the desert. Waterless, she could only offer prairie prickles to those who went by, and, equally, no one gave her a chalice of hope.
Yet, beyond the rivers and woods, another Goddess spoke with a perfumed spirit. A Goddess who waits for her lover, flouncing through many gardens of bleeding flowers so she can understand the pain of intimacy. Her feet are bruised from running away.
Patiently she has kept her sweet ointment in a golden jar seeded with pearls. No man had satisfied the value, for which she asked divinity. This Goddess beheld herself in an inner mirror? the secret voice whispered of mysteries, which are to be seen within the crystals. Observing the men of the earth, she saw searing hot auras of red passion and proud phalluses that spun off energy to the four directions like bolts from the hand of Thor. Rapidly, these unattached flames imploded, unable to shoot across the dimensions. They were nothing of themselves but a primitive urge. So, the Goddess knew the bursts of man, and wished to meld with a selected one. A God, who would be searching for a higher entrance; not to moisten the earth with his fertility, but fire himself through the veils of the universe while she sang on the flute of her expression.
If there seems to be a shortage of Gods, it may be the fault of the woman you presently are. You must work with attention for your desire to manifest. You have to dine with the spirits of the upper realms to become at one. Light their candles, drink willingly of their wine and devour their food with all honesty. Command your Higher Self to direct your compass. Open your front door and sweep the steps sadistically, for today you caught sight of yourself. There shall be no more mercy for the pitiful, godless being you were. Write your advertisement in the air so every spirit may assist you: Goddess seeks God.
Esmerelda Jones... writer of old curiositiesVictoriana, Victorian Swoons, Victorian Erotica

Masturbate and Feel Good

2008-12-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

Masturbation ... is not approved of the Lord nor this church, regardless of what may be said by those whose 'norms' are lower", President Kimball of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (1981)
"Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate." Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.
A quote often used by various churches in an effort to contain illicit acts amongst its people. Every sermon on masturbation would quote it, atleast all the sermons I have heard. Under the circumstances, is it difficult to imagine masturbation as one of the biggest taboos in our society? Even today? Scientific education has done a little to change it. Does that mean men and women don't masturbate? Certainly not. 99% of men and 70% of women masturbate according to various studies. The problem lies in the acceptance of the fact that you masturbate. Let me tell you a story... a story about you.
One night you were sitting alone in your appartment eating pizza. You decided to check out some new sites on the net while you eat. So you log on to your ISP and start surfing. Inadverantely, you come across some piece of pornography(yes, the net is quite full of it!) Looking at those erotic (and often downright nasty photos) you feel a tingling between your legs. One thing leads to another and you end up spoiling your underpants. Now let me tell you another story.
One night you were sitting alone in a bar drinking beer. And then a most gorgeous person enters the bar. The person that causes tingling between your legs just looking at him or her. You decide that you can't let go of this oppurtunity to get to know this wonderful creation of god. So you move towards this person and start small talk. One thing leads to another and you end up in your appartment.
Whether you are a woman or a man, the next morning you wouldn't be jumping with joy in the first case. When you go out in the evening to meet your friends, you would not tell them about the hot site you found and how you jerked off to it. Nevertheless, in the second case, you would be telling anyone who cared to listen how you had the most wonderful experience of your life last night. Why? Well, maybe because self pleasure is, well, nothing special. You can do it anytime you want. Ofcourse seducing the person of your dreams is quite an accomplishment. No wonder you need an audience. But what if you have a friend like me. A friend who is crazy enough to ask you did you wank off yesterday night? Was it good? What would you do then? Would you tell your friend about the hot site and your experience? Would you simply say, "Yeah! It was great! What about you?" Or would you pretend nothing had happened and lie... something like you were somewhere else yesterday night, or maybe lead your friend to believe you got lucky with someone?
I am guessing you would do the latter. Most certainly you won't acknowledge the act of masturbation. Rather you would evade the question and change the topic. And when your friend tells you about a hot conquest the same night, you would wish you had a bowl of water in which you could drown. Shame and guilt would come over you and you would change the topic in double quick time. Are you crazy? Noway! You are just one of the majority. And quite a majority at that! Way more majority that what George Bush had in the last elections! The reason - social conditioning!
You are just like the boy who ran out of the cinema hall that was screening an adult film (mind you, he had no business of being there in the first place! But all the cinemas care about is the sale of their tickets!)
Later in the day, the friend who had been at the movies with him, caught up with him and asked, "Why in the hell's name did you run out?" The boy answered, "My mom said that if I watched a woman getting naked I would turn to stone. And damn you Harry, a part of me was already turning into stone!"
Unluckily, the social conditioning is wrong. It is as wrong as the social condition in 18-19th century India, where widows were forced to burn alive with their husbands. As wrong as the church was in burning Galileo for implying the Earth was not the centre of the universe. Lily Tomlin put it best, "We have reasons to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation!" If god didn't want us to masturbate, maybe we would still be walking like dogs and horses!
The social conditioning is a result of numerous myths, lies and scams perperated by numerous individuals for personal benefit. Unfortunately, this conditioning is like a hard nut, very tough to crack. However, with effort and chanelising your energies, you can break it. Remember, the nuts that crack the hardest, are often the ones that taste the best! You must be wondering, how the hell does it matter if you feel guilty about masturbation. Why should you spend time breaking this casing?
Certain psychologists believe that guilt conscious, whether sexual guilt or in any other form, is the most destructive element for your mental health. Others believe it is one of the most destructive. But the greatest effect of guilt conscious in my experience has been a lack of confidence in self. Now you are an intelligent reader. I don't need to explain you the importance of self confidence. Be it your career, relationships or any other aspect of life, lack of confidence can bring your downfall. Now I am not implying that should you start to feel more comfortable about masturbation, you would succeed in all aspects of life. But it would be a nice step to take. An useless guilt that should, and can be eradicated from your mind. Remember, an ocean is made of small droplets of water. Get rid of a drop at a time and in due time, the ocean would be empty! Ofcourse it would take several millenia! Luckily, you don't have an ocean full of guily! Just some naggings here and there!
The first step towards eradication of this guilt is knowledge. There are thousands of myths around masturbation. Most of them perperated by religion, unfortunately. But some perperated by scam runners. Lets take a look at the most important ones.
1. Masturbation is against the will of god.
Bullshit. At one point the church considered anyone who was overtly passionate to his wife an adultrater. Follow that teaching and your wife would be committing adultery! Several clergymen have gone on record to say that not only the church's teachings about sexuality were unrelated to the scriptures, but that they caused more harm than good amongst people. Besides, nowhere in the religious teachings of any major religions is masturbation considered wrong.
2. Masturbation will cause impotency.
Most males and even some females seem to think so. Wrong again. Lets tackle the males first. It is understandable that seeing their sperm flow out of their body, they think it may end sometime. Well, it will end one day... maybe when you are 100 years old. But until then don't worry. Your sperm bank is quite unlike Standard Chartered. You have unlimited credit here! Sperm is a completely renewable resource, renewable on an hourly basis! For women, well, there is no basis in the theory. Probably perperated by old ladies who never had an orgasm in their entire life!
3. Masturbation causes acnes, hair loss, skin diseases.
This one is my favorite. Mainly because it is one of the better scams of all times! Your social conditioning would have you believe that masturbation is bad for your health. But bad how? No one would give you a satisfying answer! Now some scam artists saw this as an good oppurtunity to sell their products like hair growth lotions, etc. Since most people start masturbating during their teens, (the times of acne and other skin problems), they would have you believe that this is caused by masturbation! Unluckily for them, this is as untrue as the sun rising from the west! Masturbation has no physical side effects!
4. Masturbating will make you thin and skinny!
Then there would be no need for diet pills and fitness regimes my friend! And most certainly 70% of USA wouldn't be overweight!
5. Only Kids masturbate!
Why would you say that? I wonder! Well quite untrue, most adults masturbate... yup even after marriage!
6. Masturbation is for males.
And it is for 70% of the women too. Thats right, two thirds of all females masturbate!
7. Only losers masturbate!
Another of my favorites. Just goes to show just how much of a taboo is masturbation! First thing, 99% of males and 70% of females have masturbated atleast once in their lives. Now that is a hell of a lot of losers don't you think! Nothing more that I can add really... this is really the epitome of insecurity amongst people regarding self pleasure.
8. Masturbation is for homosexuals.
Wow. Where did that one originate! Someone must make a etymology of these myths, would make for an interesting read! Just as untrue as all these myths, masturbation and homosexuality have nothing in common. Some people masturbate to their fantasies of opposite sex, others to their fantasies of same sex. Thats it.
9. Masturbation will make you blind!
Others claim that masturbation is bad for your eyesights. However, their claims are unsupported by facts and medical advice. I suggest you talk to your general physician and he will explain you what a load of bull this is.
10. Masturbation changes the shape of your penis
Well, it does make it rock hard. But believe me, once you orgasm, the hardness is gone! So no. Masturbation has absolutely no effect on how your penis looks.
There are loads more of these myths circulating around the world. If you have a query about masturbation, ask me, I would happily lay your fears to rest. My email is advice@pornographytimes.com
Now lets move on in an attempt to get rid of your guilt. Clearly, all the reasons that made masturbation such a taboo are baseless. So why should you feel guilty about something that is normal and actually healthy? Healthy? Yes that too! This January, I recieved an email from a woman who had some major problems in her marriage. Due to her career and that of her husband, their sexual life was inexistant. Both held jobs in big MNCs and were frequently out of town. Sometimes, they would see each other once a month! Nevertheless, they were very much in love. Her problem was, that inspite of all their love, they were getting into petty fights with each other. The woman was even experiencing problems during work, getting angry for no apparent reasons, shouting on her team. Her temperament was a creation of the stress caused by extensive work and lack of pleasurable activities. Add to that sexual frustration.
My advice to her was twofold. First, I told her that she would have to slow down, and so should her husband. They must make time for their hobbies, maybe try and get in some physical exercise when they could. Most certainly, they needed to see more of each other. They should onsider talking off a couple of days and just be together. Second, while she was alone, she should consider fantasy therapy. Namely, reading erotic novels, watching erotic movies... exciting herself and eventually masturbating as regularly as she could. Three months later, I recieved a thank you letter from her. Apparently she had put my advice to practice (which is quite rare!) and it had actually helped. (Which is not so rare!)
How did masturbating help her? Because most of her problems arose from stress and lack of physical activities. And masturbation, like sex, is the perfect medicing. When you orgasm, your mind gets cleared of the regular day to day problems. Your body gets excited and the blood flow increases. Sometimes, you even sweat! A complete and perfect exercise for those with lack of time!
The next step in getting rid of your guilt is self belief. Something, no outsider can help you with. Here is what I would counsel. Read as many articles on the internet as you can relating to masturbation. Just so that you know that I am not bullshitting you. Any queries you have, don't be afraid to ask me or another sex advisor on any of the reputed websites. Remember, the first step is knowledge and the second step is belief. And knowledge leads to belief. Good Wanking!
Free Article - Dr. Jessica Stumper is a columnist for The Pornography Times (http://www.pornographytimes.com/) She writes a sex health and techniques column on the website.